We can dream, can't we?
So here we are, folks, the moment of truth, when you find out how long your existence will be permitted on this little spherical madhouse we call Earth once my ascendancy to the vaulted position of Arbiter Of All Things has been achieved.

To solve the dire problem of world overpopulation, I would immediately implement a program of Intelligent Design. Simply put, if you're intelligent, you can stay in my design. Otherwise, you get erased, or in today's computerized world, "Moved To Trash."

This week, getting booted off the island are:

1. Bush voters. If you voted for Bush in 2000 but not in 2004, you'll last another week, maybe. If you voted for him twice, well, it was nice knowing you. But not that nice.

2. Religious fundamentalists of all persuasions. If you think I'm going to hell just because I don't agree with you, well, you're going there first.

3. Anyone who believes in the potential legitimacy of Intelligent Design (meaning creationism, not this program) as a viable alternative to evolution, or just doesn't believe in evolution period. Gone.

4. Anyone who asks me, "Oh, you're an archaeologist? So do you, like, look for dinosaurs?"; "Why do you have class on Saturday?", or "Doesn't it suck not living in your college?" Gone.

5. Racist, sexist, homophobic, classist, ageist, or weightist people -- you're gone. If you only hate stupid people, however, I just might offer you a cabinet post. Speaking of which, I don't want a cabinet. I want a commode.

6. If you read less than 5 works of literature or scholarship per year, you're gone.

7. If you're of middle class background or higher but have never been to a museum, you're gone.

8. If you're of middle class background or higher and scored below 1000 on the SAT, you're gone.

9. If you're liberal or moderate but can't seem to stand your ground against the above willfully ignorant lunatics (Alan Colmes, I'm looking at you), you're useless to the cause. Bye.

10. If you can't say "nuclear," I'll teach you how to say nuclear.


This concludes Round One. Join us next week for another installment! In the meantime, sleep well and enjoy the newly-unoccupied space around you. Especially you two in Kansas. Lots of breathing room there, I bet.